Another difficult week

I haven’t written much lately because I am spending most of my time and energy helping Alma and simply do not have time to give this. I wish I could report that things ahve been wonderful and we are simply enjoying the beautiful spring here in Virginia. Unfortunately, this has not been the case.  I understand that there is no real formula for the progression of Alzheimer’s. What I observe is the fact that she seems to be much worse in the last month and the moments of clarity are few and far between.  She does seem to benefit from being comforted and reassured that she is safe. Her focus this week has been about her fear of being abused either by us or in a nursing home. She has talked a lot about her mother and difficulties taking care of her. She talks about how easy it is to lose patience with someone with dementia. I spend a lot of time reassuring her that we will not hurt her and will seek help if things become too difficult. The difference between our situation and the situation she had with her mother is that I have a great support system. We have a community of close friends and family. I am not working a full time job like she was. I have Keith, Kaiya and Wren for support and to remind me when I am frustrated that my expectations may be unrealistic. 

One of the most difficult aspects of this situation is watching someone who I once knew to be so intelligent, organized and competent become so disoriented and confused. It’s surreal and hard to believe at times (that’s when the unrealistic expectations creep in). I know that if Alma from ten years ago could see herself right now, she would be devastated. This is exactly what she didn’t want to happen. Her dignity was always so important to her. She had a huge sense of accomplishment and pride. It’s as if all of the insecurities that she tried to push away all of these years are coming out in a steady stream of emotion. That being said, I appreciate getting to know her on a deeper level. There is an honesty here I have never seen before. I have always respected Alma as a very competent and controlled person. Now we have the opportunity to connect with her on a much personal level. My hope being that on some level she will reap the many benefits.