Tantrums and Heartbreak

Alma has begun having temper tantrums. I understand that it is quite normal to revert back to child like behaviors. It is just quite overwhelming to watch a grown woman stomp her feet and scream like a toddler. Especially when it's someone I've always seen as completely in control at all times. Fortunately, while these outbursts seem to come on with little provocation, it is fairly easy to de-escalate and redirect.

Today, I dropped Alma off at the assisted living facilty. It was really hard. It's funny because a friend of hers has suggested for quite some time that Alma may be more comfortable at one of these places other than with family and I understand why she might believe that. At the facility, Alma has her own space and is surrounded by other people who are are afflicted with the same horrible disease. She is not reminded on a daily basis that the people living with her are able to do things she can't. Sadly, today Alma did not agree with her friend. She did not want to be left there and said things like I was "throwing" her away. She was scared, alone and feeling abandoned by everyone in her life. It was terrible. I thought leaving my daughter at college for the first time would be hard. That was nothing compared to seeing the heartbreak in Alma's face as I left. Thankfully, I was able to keep it together until I got out to the parking lot. That's when I had my own meltdown and called Keith and my mother for comfort. I am so grateful at this moment that I am able to feel comforted. Alma doesn't even have that these days.

I know Alma is safe where she is. I really like this place. The staff are wonderful and appear well trained. I know there is nothing I can do to assure her that we will be back other than actually show up and bring her home next week. I wish I could go away knowing that she believed that this is what's going to happen.