A Change in Scenery

Tomorrow, Alma will go into respite at an assisted living facility for one week. It is a beautiful place about a mile from our home. They work specifically with dementia. She is going because we are going out of town for a few days and taking her with us is just not an option; not to mention the fact that we all could use a break from one another. Last week, Alma toured the facility (she has no memory of that) and spent some time with staff and residents while Keith and I did the paperwork. She has heard us talking about our upcoming trip and I think it is making her nervous which is very understandable.

Life here continues to progress with little variation except now she is attending the adult care facility a couple of days a week. I think she is starting to get into a groove there. I have asked that the staff allow her to help with the less able participants and they are doing that. Yesterday, Alma was relieved when I came to pick her up (I got there early because it was a beautiful day) but said, "the old ladies are really sweet and they love me".  Maybe this is finally giving her the sense of self-worth that she has been needing for quite some time.

Alma's attitude continues to vary on a daily basis and that is probably one of my biggest challenges. We all want our in-laws to love and accept us. The thing is that when Alma first came to live with us, she was extrememly easy going and sweet. Nine months later, much of the anger and animosity I felt towards me when I first met Keith is coming out with a vengence. Most likely it's due to a feeling that she's dependent on me. That must be so hard to deal with. She already struggles with trust due to life circumstances and now she has to completly depend on Keith and I. That must be devastating to her. I'm hoping that some space from us will help her feel a little more balanced and in control. However, I realize that it's time for me to stop trying to fix everything for her all the time too. It's wearing me out and I think it's really getting on Alma's nerves.

Day Care

Adult Care went pretty much as I expected. I was concerned that Alma would think it is a nursing home and she does. Honestly, it was pretty depressing there. We went in on Monday to fill out the paper work. The "administrative assistant" began assessing Alma by asking her several questions. One of those questions was "Who is the current president" and Alma beamed and said, "Obama!". I explained that Alma really loves Obama and she looked at Alma and said, "Well....you're the only one". Thus, the tone was set for admission to Adult Care of Roanoke Valley.

The place is pretty depressing to say the least. Basically, it is one large room with a small fenced yard off the side. It is brightly lit and there are several participants of all ages and levels of need. There are several CNAs (Certified Nursing Assistants) wandering around and Alma was getting plenty of attention. The bottom line is that I need a break and she really needs to be around some other people. Therefore, I am presenting it as a "volunteer" opportunity. I know that sounds bad if not downright deceitful. However, Alma is very physically able, loves to help and really enjoys being around elderly people. I believe I've shared her love of approaching elderly women in the grocery store and commenting on their hair while touching it. My hope is that they will encourage her as a more able mentor to some of the other participants. We'll see how that works out. In the meantime, I am going to try and finally get over to her house to work on getting it ready to put on the market.

Change of Plans

The Adult Care Center called this morning to let me know that they had everything Alma would need to bgin enrollment. I was going to wait until after we got back from some traveling to have her start but desperation took over and I asked if she could start tomorrow. I was told she could start whenever we like and I am going to take her for the first time in the morning. While I do have concerns about exposing Alma to two different new  environments this close together, I am quickly burning out. My hope is that I will be a more effective caretaker when she is home. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Where to begin....

It's been almost a week since I last posted something. Honestly, things are just much harder than I thought (I'm sure I sound like a broken record) and I'm exhausted. However, I enrolled Alma at the Adult Care Center this morning and she will attend 2-3 days/week beginning the middle of April. It is not exactly what I would want (I've heard I am super picky) for her, but they have a lot of activities and she will be engaged. I'm beginning to think she needs a break from me as much if not more than I need one from her.

The last couple of weeks have been about Alma's depression moving into an outward expression of anger. No matter how many times well intentioned friends and family remind me not to take it personally, I can't seem to help but feel responsible for her misery in some way. The fact that I am the reciever of much of her animosity doesn't help either. In her defense, it is me that she has to deal with all day long and it is Keith and I who removed her from her home. As a matter of fact, Keith and I have been with her through every loss of independence that she has experienced so it is only natural that we are associated with negativity surrounding these events. The thing is that the anger comes mostly when she is more lucid and aware of her surroundings. I do want to say that I am so very grateful for Alma's friend, Carole (pictured to the right) who came over on Friday with a photo album of the trip to Italy they took together. It was a wonderful diversion and lovely to hear her laughing with her long time friend.

Today she has been very confused. Just like before, she knows my name yet I am a stranger to her. However, she Keith came in today, she lit up, went directly to him, hugged him and told him "you are good". I'm sad that she is so confused. However, it warmed my heart to see her respond to her son that way.

Better days

It's amazing what some sunshine and diversion can do for Alma's mood. She is so much more upbeat today and I am so grateful. I am curious if some of it has to do with her talking about her mother yesterday. She seemed somewhat lighter after that and then she went off with Kaiya for the afternoon. When I came home she was in the driveway with Kaiya, my friend, Kelley and her son, Silas (Kaiya had been babysitting). Alma was smiling and happy.

Last night we went to my daughter's softball game where Alma (usually quiet) continued her lively interactions, laughing at small children playing at the side of the field. This morning she woke up very early and made her bed and was sitting in the living room, dressed and ready to go (at 6:30 am). I was worried that we were in for another hard day when she told me she was scared in a very meek voice. I told her we would be with her and her whole body relaxed as she expressed a sense of relief at that. In the car, on her our way to her physical, she was laughing and told me she loved going up to "old ladies" in the store and telling them they are pretty. She said that she loves the way they always smile at that. Let's hope the mood sticks throughout the day.

Some history

Disclaimer: this is going to be a quick post. I have a rare morning to myself thanks to Kaiya (she is so awesome!) and want to take advantage of a beautiful day. I also want to warn those who may be close to Alma that I am going to share some history that Alma shared with me on our walk this morning. I feel that it is really important to share her story.

Yesterday was a rough day. I started writing about it and the negativity was so evident that I am refraining from posting what I wrote. Finally, after a long and emotional day, I allowed Keith to take over and simply left the house for a while (Thanks Robin for going for a walk with me. You are the best). However, Alma became restless in the middle of the night and started pacing the hall and going in and out of her bedroom and bathroom. This morning I was feeling pretty frustrated by the time we left for our walk and I'm sure Alma picked up on that.

There is something so therapeutic about walking outdoors in the spring. Thus, Alma began to talk about her childhood. She began with "my daddy was an alcoholic and used to beat my mother" but went further today. She shared that her mother took a lot of her anger out on her. I've heard stories about rose switches and her mother getting angry but I'd never heard about her mother kicking her out of the house for the night. She said she was only seven and had to spend the night outside with no blankets. She talked about the way her father would beat her mother if he caught her being mean to Alma. Alma said that only made things worse and her mother took it out on her even more; calling her names and shaming her in front of others. She said her mother kicked her out multiple times and she would often go to her Aunt Teenie's (pictured below) home but felt guilty about going there too much. She didn't want to "put anyone out".

It is so evident to me that Alma has never had the opportunity to work through her painful childhood and that pain comes through more and more lately. Even though I spent several years working with women and children living in family violence, it never ceases to amaze me how perpetual that cycle can be. Alma often acts out with her won brand of anger and resentment that comes out in the most passive ways (other times more outright). I understand there is very little I can do for her as far as healing goes and as I write this I am reminded that the best thing to do is just continue being supportive. I would like to acknowledge that there is no way I could do that if I did not have such incredible people in my life who keep me grounded. I suppose I'll end on that sappy note.

Busy Bodies

Why is it that at times Alma seems to be completely confused and at other moments, in certain situations, she appears totally fine? I believe this is part of the reason that it took us so long to realize that she really needed full time supervision.

I bring this up because some of our neighbors (also Alma's neighbors) do not seem to understand why we have brought her into our home. Her next door neighbor was particularly candid with his opinion of our decision. It has been almost nine months and he will no longer speak with us. He and his wife felt that she was fine and we should have made our 20 year old daughter move in with her instead. To be fair, I am pretty sure that Alma did not speak highly of us at the time she was living on her own. The caretakers that we hired would often share stories of Alma talking about how we want nothing to do with her (not the case at all-we included her in all family activities and we certainly would not have her living with us if we didn't care). That type of paranoia is normal with dementia. I tried to explain the situation to Mr. V stating that we have, in fact, been taking care of her for over five years and it was our decision to move her over to our neighborhood in the first place. I also explained that we have been managing two households for three years as well as going over there twice a day. We worked hard to keep Alma independent. We believed that, as long as she was safe, her quality of life would be better if she could stay in her own home. Even when she broke her arm, we had her stay with us but had initially thought she would go back home after it healed. It wasn't until she was with us full time that we realized how many of her basic needs had been neglected. She could not prepare food, bathe or dress herself any longer. There was so much I never noticed (or maybe ignored) because I was always frantically trying to maintain my 45-55 hour work week, my children's needs, her home and mine. I had a terrible sense of guilt once I figured out that she could no longer take care of herself. I’m not sure why I had such a need to explain myself to someone who doesn’t really know Alma or our family very well (if he did, he would clearly see that she needs help). All I know is that I was truly bothered when I heard from another neighbor (Alma’s walking buddy) that he was really upset and had been talking to several other neighbors.

My point here is that it has been quite a struggle with our neighbors who think she was functioning fine on her own. Alma is so quiet and many people are drawn to her because they think she is a good listener. She nods at the appropriate time and laughs at their jokes. Many of us are too self-centered to realize that she has no idea what we're talking about most of the time. She knows her name, her date of birth and her address. Sadly, most people don't dig deeper than that and seem to think there is nothing wrong with her until they find her wandering the street at 5 am trying to figure out who the people in her house are (that happened shortly before she moved in). It's amazing to me how well she can present herself most of the time. Sometimes it appears as if she can turn it on and off at just the right moment. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much that there are people out there who disagree with our choices. I suppose my preference would be that they put aside their judgments reach out to Alma if they are so concerned for her welfare.  Perhaps, when the weather turns warmer, I can invite her neighborhood friends over to visit her. The truth is that these neighbors are not simply busy bodies with nothing better to do than judge us. They are caring people who have gotten to know Alma over the last several years and "neighborly" thing to do would be open my home to them.  We obviously share a common sense of wanting what is best for Alma and it seems that it would be in her best interest to benefit from such supportive and loving relationships.