Checking In

I am planning to pick up Alma from the assisted living center first thing tomorrow morning. As promised, I called and checked in with her while I was away. Nonetheless, I realized quickly that this may have been a mistake. I spoke with staff first and was told she was doing really well and adjusting fine (she wasn't asking for us). They also said she had visitors and I am grateful for that. When she got on the phone, she said, “is this the real Lise?’ I’m not really sure what she meant by that unless there has been someone trying to pose as me in my absence. She also asked if I would pick her up soon and that broke my heart. I told her I’d be there Wednesday but I’m sure she has no idea what that means. I am concerned that I might have made things worse and opted not to call her again over the weekend.  

I will share that it has been very nice to have a break. I am struggling with some guilt over that. However, I realize that these breaks are vital to giving good care and I am grateful for the opportunity. I am aware that there are many caretakers out there who either opt out of taking time or are simply unable to do so. Due to the fact that we had to purchase a whole month of respite, I will be using all four weeks over the next couple of months so I can travel a bit this summer. I suppose I will have to work through some of that guilt as a part of that.  

Kick Ball

Alma was not very happy to see me this morning when I brought in some pictures for her "life collage". The director (whom I love so much-she is really awesome!!!) took me back to the community room where the residents were playing kickball. Their version of kick ball was sitting in a circle and kicking a giant exercise ball to one another. I waved to her and she looked irritated as she kicked the ball really hard right at me. I kicked it back and went to sit down with her. I asked how she was doing and shesaid, "fine, but I'm not elderly like these people", as she proceeded to praise those around her for doing a "good job" kicking the ball. Next she made me put in writing that I would be back next Wednesday to get her. I did that and added my phone number and she put the paper in her pocket.

Susan (the director) shared with me on the way out that it is a good sign that she didn't just jump up when I came in but I feel like she's pretty angry with me right now (I can't blame her). She said Alma is doing really well and she doesn't usually get such a good reaction from residents who are so high functioning. Thus, I left feeling that she is in good hands and will be well cared for. I did hear from a couple of her friends that are going to go and visit her while she is there. I think that will help a lot.

I probably will wait until she gets back and acclimated before I post anything. Hopefully, her time there will be fairly uneventful and I can just report that she had a great time.

Tantrums and Heartbreak

Alma has begun having temper tantrums. I understand that it is quite normal to revert back to child like behaviors. It is just quite overwhelming to watch a grown woman stomp her feet and scream like a toddler. Especially when it's someone I've always seen as completely in control at all times. Fortunately, while these outbursts seem to come on with little provocation, it is fairly easy to de-escalate and redirect.

Today, I dropped Alma off at the assisted living facilty. It was really hard. It's funny because a friend of hers has suggested for quite some time that Alma may be more comfortable at one of these places other than with family and I understand why she might believe that. At the facility, Alma has her own space and is surrounded by other people who are are afflicted with the same horrible disease. She is not reminded on a daily basis that the people living with her are able to do things she can't. Sadly, today Alma did not agree with her friend. She did not want to be left there and said things like I was "throwing" her away. She was scared, alone and feeling abandoned by everyone in her life. It was terrible. I thought leaving my daughter at college for the first time would be hard. That was nothing compared to seeing the heartbreak in Alma's face as I left. Thankfully, I was able to keep it together until I got out to the parking lot. That's when I had my own meltdown and called Keith and my mother for comfort. I am so grateful at this moment that I am able to feel comforted. Alma doesn't even have that these days.

I know Alma is safe where she is. I really like this place. The staff are wonderful and appear well trained. I know there is nothing I can do to assure her that we will be back other than actually show up and bring her home next week. I wish I could go away knowing that she believed that this is what's going to happen.

A Change in Scenery

Tomorrow, Alma will go into respite at an assisted living facility for one week. It is a beautiful place about a mile from our home. They work specifically with dementia. She is going because we are going out of town for a few days and taking her with us is just not an option; not to mention the fact that we all could use a break from one another. Last week, Alma toured the facility (she has no memory of that) and spent some time with staff and residents while Keith and I did the paperwork. She has heard us talking about our upcoming trip and I think it is making her nervous which is very understandable.

Life here continues to progress with little variation except now she is attending the adult care facility a couple of days a week. I think she is starting to get into a groove there. I have asked that the staff allow her to help with the less able participants and they are doing that. Yesterday, Alma was relieved when I came to pick her up (I got there early because it was a beautiful day) but said, "the old ladies are really sweet and they love me".  Maybe this is finally giving her the sense of self-worth that she has been needing for quite some time.

Alma's attitude continues to vary on a daily basis and that is probably one of my biggest challenges. We all want our in-laws to love and accept us. The thing is that when Alma first came to live with us, she was extrememly easy going and sweet. Nine months later, much of the anger and animosity I felt towards me when I first met Keith is coming out with a vengence. Most likely it's due to a feeling that she's dependent on me. That must be so hard to deal with. She already struggles with trust due to life circumstances and now she has to completly depend on Keith and I. That must be devastating to her. I'm hoping that some space from us will help her feel a little more balanced and in control. However, I realize that it's time for me to stop trying to fix everything for her all the time too. It's wearing me out and I think it's really getting on Alma's nerves.

Day Care

Adult Care went pretty much as I expected. I was concerned that Alma would think it is a nursing home and she does. Honestly, it was pretty depressing there. We went in on Monday to fill out the paper work. The "administrative assistant" began assessing Alma by asking her several questions. One of those questions was "Who is the current president" and Alma beamed and said, "Obama!". I explained that Alma really loves Obama and she looked at Alma and said, "Well....you're the only one". Thus, the tone was set for admission to Adult Care of Roanoke Valley.

The place is pretty depressing to say the least. Basically, it is one large room with a small fenced yard off the side. It is brightly lit and there are several participants of all ages and levels of need. There are several CNAs (Certified Nursing Assistants) wandering around and Alma was getting plenty of attention. The bottom line is that I need a break and she really needs to be around some other people. Therefore, I am presenting it as a "volunteer" opportunity. I know that sounds bad if not downright deceitful. However, Alma is very physically able, loves to help and really enjoys being around elderly people. I believe I've shared her love of approaching elderly women in the grocery store and commenting on their hair while touching it. My hope is that they will encourage her as a more able mentor to some of the other participants. We'll see how that works out. In the meantime, I am going to try and finally get over to her house to work on getting it ready to put on the market.

Change of Plans

The Adult Care Center called this morning to let me know that they had everything Alma would need to bgin enrollment. I was going to wait until after we got back from some traveling to have her start but desperation took over and I asked if she could start tomorrow. I was told she could start whenever we like and I am going to take her for the first time in the morning. While I do have concerns about exposing Alma to two different new  environments this close together, I am quickly burning out. My hope is that I will be a more effective caretaker when she is home. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Where to begin....

It's been almost a week since I last posted something. Honestly, things are just much harder than I thought (I'm sure I sound like a broken record) and I'm exhausted. However, I enrolled Alma at the Adult Care Center this morning and she will attend 2-3 days/week beginning the middle of April. It is not exactly what I would want (I've heard I am super picky) for her, but they have a lot of activities and she will be engaged. I'm beginning to think she needs a break from me as much if not more than I need one from her.

The last couple of weeks have been about Alma's depression moving into an outward expression of anger. No matter how many times well intentioned friends and family remind me not to take it personally, I can't seem to help but feel responsible for her misery in some way. The fact that I am the reciever of much of her animosity doesn't help either. In her defense, it is me that she has to deal with all day long and it is Keith and I who removed her from her home. As a matter of fact, Keith and I have been with her through every loss of independence that she has experienced so it is only natural that we are associated with negativity surrounding these events. The thing is that the anger comes mostly when she is more lucid and aware of her surroundings. I do want to say that I am so very grateful for Alma's friend, Carole (pictured to the right) who came over on Friday with a photo album of the trip to Italy they took together. It was a wonderful diversion and lovely to hear her laughing with her long time friend.

Today she has been very confused. Just like before, she knows my name yet I am a stranger to her. However, she Keith came in today, she lit up, went directly to him, hugged him and told him "you are good". I'm sad that she is so confused. However, it warmed my heart to see her respond to her son that way.