Humbling Moments

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted any news about Alma. It’s not because I have been too busy to write or there is nothing new to report. The truth is that she seems to be experiencing some dramatic changes and I haven’t figured out a way to share what is happening here while honoring what little dignity she has left. While I feel it is important to share the progression of this disease, I continue to struggle with the ways in which I can share those events that is respectful to her.  The point of this blog is a way to track what is happening. The tricky part is doing so without revealing too much personal information. 

What I would like to note here is that Alma is no longer leaving her room to use the bathroom at night. For whatever reason, she is using her closet as a bathroom. I’ll spare everyone the details of this. Those are things I had shared in the previous and now deleted post (too much detail).  In the last couple of weeks, we have become reliant on adult disposable undergarments as a way to keep the mess to a minimum. On top of all of that, one early morning last week, I was helping Alma clean herself up after a particularly messy night and she had some kind of moment that was almost seizure like. She was getting out of the shower and was drying off when she started getting shaky. I thought she was just dizzy so I helped her wrap up in a towel and sat her down to blow dry her hair thinking that her dizzy spell would pass in a few moments. When she started shaking more and falling forward, I realized that something more was happening. I said her name and she couldn’t look up at me so I got down on the floor and started talking to her. She just stared at me blankly and opened her mouth but no words came out. At this point I yelled for Keith thinking we were going to have to call 911. The whole thing passed pretty quickly as she started responding to me again and was back to her “normal” self.  I put her to bed and called the doctor and took her in as soon as they would take her. After examining her, the doctor thought it was probably “just a drop in blood pressure” and told me to simply lay her on her side the next time this happens. Nonetheless, I left there feeling inadequate to handle the fact that this is only the beginning.  

All of that paired with the fact that she can barely speak in complete sentences anymore has made me even more aware that things are just going to continue to get worse. I have always heard about the stress taking care of someone can have on a person and/or family. I think we prepared as well as we could for all of that. That being said, there is no denying that I am feeling quite conflicted when I think about how much harder it is going to get to continue to watch someone we love decline so dramatically. I put those feelings aside when I came to the realization that the alternative would be to place her in a facility where I do not believe they can take care of her basic needs. If they can’t even help her brush her teeth during a one week stay, how am I to be assured that she won’t be sitting in her own filth most of the time?