The Importance of Connection

Disclaimer: Recently, I have been spending time reflecting on my experience so this post is more about me than Alma.  

Since I’ve been home with Alma, I have spent much of my time cleaning, organizing and getting her house ready to sell.  After that huge task was complete, I thought that I would feel bored being home but the truth is I’ve stayed very busy. As a matter of fact, in many ways I feel like I’m working harder than when I was working my forty plus hour a week job as a social worker. That hit me the other day when I was thinking that a Child Protective Services job sounded more appealing than being home (a possible sign of burn out).  That being said, there are many things that I enjoy about being home.  Not to mention the fact that I honestly do like spending time with Alma. We have fun together going on little “field trips” up to Mill Mountain or to get apples. While there are many things about being Alma’s “caretaker” that are exhausting, I truly have felt grateful just to get the opportunity to connect with her on a deeper level.

More than one time, I’ve expressed that I never felt very comfortable around Alma. She was always quiet and reserved. Instead of simply respecting that aspect of her personality, I made a gross assumption that her quiet nature was a sign that she didn’t like me. I believe I have even used the words “she hates me” on several occasions. It didn’t help that several times she stated that she found me aggressive and pushy “but in a good way”.  I’m one of those annoying people who take everything personally so not only did I find those comments to be unsettling, but I found the silence between the comments to be much more difficult to deal with.  As a result, I filled in the gaps by assuming that whatever she wasn’t saying must be much worse.

Therefore, knowing for the last ten years that I would more than likely be faced with caring for someone who loathed me was not a happy thought. I dreaded that day and there were many milestones along the way that indicated that the time was coming when I would have to get over myself long enough to give this person the respect and care she deserved.  I will never forget the day when Dr. Kamardi at the Center for Healthy Aging decided to have Alma’s license revoked. I remember asking, “How is she supposed to get anywhere?” and he looked at me and simply stated, “You will drive her” and I felt like the rug was being ripped out from under me. I remember arguing with Keith over the fact that we had our children so young and just as we are getting to a place of independence; we will have to take care of Alma. I was resentful and angry about the entire situation. Not only was this intelligent and independent woman going to lose her ability to think and reason, I was going to be the one she would associate with these losses.  My poor ego couldn’t handle it. Nonetheless, we moved forward and little by little things got worse. Then there was that day in August when she broke her arm and I knew the day I had dreaded so much had come. I was petrified of what the future would be like. 

Nothing has been the way I thought it would be two years ago. While tiring in many ways, things could not have gone more smoothly. That’s not even the point here. If we hadn’t made the adjustments in our lives to have Alma with us, I would have never understood how much more there is to her personality than shy. The thing is that while I was making all of those assumptions about her reserved and quiet nature, I failed to make a connection with her.  It breaks my heart to watch Alma go through the slow deterioration of her brain (as I write this, she has come down the hall twice because she can’t find her room in our very small home).  This is one of the worst things I have ever witnessed.  However, through this process and even with her decreased brain function, I have made that connection with her. My only regret is that I didn’t reach out for that much sooner. Regrets aren’t very productive so I choose to focus on the fact that I am grateful that I have the opportunity to connect with Alma now.

One of the ways that I have found a nice way to connect with Alma’s life is by continuing to go through her families recipes. My sister in-law, Cassandra shared with me recently that it has been meaningful to Keith’s brother Kenny to have some of the dishes that his mother made for him so long ago. They live in Texas and it was so nice to feel that they were able to make a connection over the miles this way. Over the weekend, I started a project to record all of these recipes. My hope is to create some kind of family cookbook to share. For now and in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I will share some more recipes with you now.  The one below is one of those dishes that Alma made for every holiday.  I had mentioned in an earlier post that in her quiet way, I believe she prepared many of these vegetarian recipes as a way to connect with me. I just didn’t realize that at the time.

Corn Pudding

1 can whole corn drained

1 can cream corn

2 eggs

½ cup sugar

¾ stick butter

½ cup flour

½ cup milk

Salt and pepper

Bake at 350 for 15-30 minutes

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.