She is Breaking My Heart

Witnessing Alma's struggle with dementia feels like heartbreak some days. It feels as if I am repeating myself over and over again (much like Alma does) when I share that I simply cannot wrap my brain around what it is she is experiencing at any given moment. Of course I understand that there is no way for any of us to truly understand what it is Alma is going through. I'm simply stating that on days when she is miserable, it is torturous to see her in so much emotional pain. That being said, my feelings pale in comparison to the inner turmoil that she lives with daily.

This was not a good day for Alma. Unfortunately, my daughter Kaiya was the one to bear the brunt of it. Kaiya and Alma have always been close. She is very patient and kind with her grandmother and we are grateful that she is willing to spend so much time with Alma. Alma was in a great mood until they got to Kaiya’s apartment. Kaiya said she was agitated over seeing her couch and dining room table in the apartment. It must have been so disorienting to see furniture that she recognized in an unfamiliar place. Not to mention the fact that she still holds onto hope that she will go back to her house at some point. That must be terrifying. Kaiya described Alma having a lot of that toddler like behavior (temper tantrums) that we witness when she is unhappy. These behaviors can be scary and unmanageable so I was glad that Kaiya decided to bring her home to more familiar surroundings.  Alma spent the afternoon swinging from severe anger, to uncontrollable sobbing, to sheer elation.

I have found that when I sit with Alma through those extreme mood changes, she appears comforted. Perhaps I am projecting and is the one comforted; knowing that she is not alone at least physically. It is no secret that Keith has expressed concern (he thinks I’m nuts) over me expending too much energy on Alma. I have tried his passive approach and there are some days when I need that. However, now that I get such a big break while she is at the Adult Care Center (it’s going really well by the way), I feel that I have the energy to give.  Even if this doesn’t impact the ultimate outcome here, I do believe that this attentiveness has to increase her quality of life and that is the whole point of her being with us. Whatever the case and as selfish as this may come across, I feel better about caring for her when I am more attentive.